The Most Important Conversation you can have

Discussing a raise with your boss, navigating a difficult breakup, asking in-laws to stop interfering, dealing with a troublesome teenager, talking to a team member who isn’t pulling their weight. All of these are examples of Pivotal Conversations, conversations that can make or break important moments of your life.

 A Pivotal Conversation is different from a plain, ordinary conversation in that it is marked by four chief factors: Differing Opinions, High Stakes, Strong Emotions, and a Reality Shift. Differing Opinions means that there are sides to this conversation, and you and others are on opposite or at least different sides. High Stakes means that the conversation is important and has real weight to it. Strong Emotions means that emotions are charged and we may be less in control of our thoughts and actions than in a normal conversation. Finally, a Reality Shift means that things will be different after this conversation. Relationships will be strengthened or damaged, behaviors will shift, and your mindset or view towards another person will be more positive or more negative. 

Think of a conversation where you are talking to your boss about a raise. There could be differing opinions, you may want a larger raise than your boss is willing to give. This is a conversation with high stakes; your family could definitely use the money but it may be a down year for the company so giving this raise puts your boss in a tighter financial place than they would like. There are strong emotions present, both sides are likely feeling passionate about their perspective. And a Reality Shift is underway throughout the conversation. If handled well, both sides will have newfound respect for one another, you may be more loyal and your boss could be more appreciative of your hard work, and your performance over the next year will reflect that. But if handled poorly, you may quit, the relationship between you and your boss will be damaged, and your performance may suffer leading to a decline for the business because you don’t feel heard and appreciated. Likewise, if you do not ever have the conversation because you believe your boss would not listen to you, then you are experiencing a reality shift that leads to a continued negative view of your boss that undoubtedly shapes your work experience. 

Mastering Pivotal Conversations is vital for all parts of our life. Communication is one of the most essential skills in all of life and being able to skillfully navigate difficult conversations will serve you well no matter what part of life you are in. Continue watching this series to learn everything from how to start a Pivotal Conversation to how to monitor your tone and emotions during a Pivotal Conversation.

Managing Tone & emotions in Tough Conversations

One thing that I struggle the most with in Pivotal Conversations and have seen many others struggle as well is in managing our tone and emotions during the conversation. And when we lose control of our tone or our emotions go haywire, it can sabotage the entire conversation. 

Typically how we think about the connection between emotions and our behavior is something like this. You did something, so I felt a certain way about it, so I acted in a certain way. If you’re a parent it might look like this: your child did not take out the trash for the second week in a row, so you were frustrated, so you spoke with a harsh tone that reduced your child to tears. You may have even meant to start out with a calm tone but because you were frustrated, your words came out as frustrated regardless. 

The trick to mastering your emotions comes from psychology. Because there is actually a crucial step between someone doing something and you feeling a certain way about it, and that is the stories that we tell ourselves. It is the stories that we tell ourselves about events that shape our emotions, and it is why we sometimes handle big problems calmly while blowing up about seemingly minor issues. Let’s go back to our trash example, but consider a few stories that could shape our emotions very differently. 

What if your child does not take out the trash for the second week in a row and the story you tell yourself is that they are lazy and have been playing video games too much lately. Then it’s very justifiable in your mind to be frustrated. But what if we tell a different story? What if you remember that your child has a lot of homework and has been working feverishly to get it all done? Suddenly, your emotions may be more empathetic towards them. You may even take out the trash for them or your talk may be more about managing multiple tasks rather than just about not taking out the trash. So depending on the story we tell ourselves, our emotions and behaviors may change significantly. 

During Pivotal Conversations, it is important to constantly be monitoring the stories that you are telling yourself. By keeping an open mind and avoiding false narratives that may poison you against the other person, you can guard your tone and emotions from being influenced by false narratives. The last thing we want to do is to believe a false story and act badly, only to later find out the truth and know we acted badly without reason. So to manage your tone and emotions, carefully manage the stories you are telling yourself and find the truth, and your tone and emotions will follow.

How to Hold Difficult Employees Accountable

Have you ever had a conversation with someone where you felt crystal clear on what they were going to do after your conversation, only to have them do the complete opposite of what you thought you had agreed on? Or have you ever had to continually have the same conversation over and over again? Maybe it’s the clean your room talk with one of your kids, or the you need to be on time talk with one of your employees, or the I need the directions before not after the turn talk with your spouse. If you’re like me, you’ve been on both the giving and receiving end of those talks at some point in your life. When giving those talks, you question why this is so hard? And when receiving those talks, you wonder when this person will ever stop talking about this?

The secret is what we call the CPR method, which in this case is not for breathing life into someone’s lungs but for breathing life back into tired conversations.

The C stands for content and in this first talk we talk about the content of what went wrong. We made an agreement to have the room cleaned by Friday at 5 and your room is still dirty. You need to clean your room. 

If it is still an issue after your C conversation, then we switch to a P conversation. P stands for Pattern and in this conversation, our focus is not on the cleanliness of the room, but rather on the pattern and the repeated nature of the fault. In this case, what is upsetting is not just that the room is still dirty but that this is becoming a recurring pattern. The conversation should feel different both to you and to your kid because the conversation is about breaking this pattern of disobedience, not about cleanliness. This allows both sides to take a fresh perspective rather than hashing out the same old gripes, driving an increased likelihood of behavior change. 

If this is still an issue after your P conversation, then we switch to an R conversation. R stands for Relationship and our focus will be on how the breach of trust is affecting the relationship between the two of you. Again, this should feel like an entirely different conversation than the C or P conversations, and brings a heightened emotional level to the conversation. What once was a conversation about cleanliness has become a conversation about a lack of trust created by the natural consequences of your kid’s failure to clean their room repeatedly. Perhaps now that trust has been lost, they are going to lose access to screen time or their car. I think the Relationship conversation is especially poignant in work settings when you as a boss are able to say that the team is losing trust in the late individual. Now some on the team have been so hurt by the repeated behavior that they question whether this person should even be on the team because they have so many times had to cover for this non-dependable person.

Why Your Team’s Failures Are Your Fault

When I coach leaders on Pivotal Conversations, especially when they are hesitating to speak up and offer coaching or guidance, I continually run into an attitude that they are not responsible for the success of others, even those under their leadership. I want to make clear that if you are a leader who does not want to coach and guide others to help them succeed, you are not a leader. You may have the title, authority, and pay, but until you do the hard work of leading others and helping them succeed, you are not a leader.

We’ve all been in situations where the person who was supposed to be in charge, helping the rest of us succeed, instead used all their power and authority to protect themselves and leave the rest of us high and dry. Maybe this was a coach, a boss, a parent, or even a teacher. In 8th grade, my math teacher was nearing retirement and decided to just stop teaching our class. He would still show up every day, but just sit at his desk ignoring us for an hour until the bell sounded and we left. It’s been close to twenty years and I can still remember how that felt to be abandoned by the very person who was supposed to be helping us learn and grow.

When we are responsible for others, it is our duty to help them succeed. Ex-Navy Seal Jocko Willink describes this task as Extreme Ownership. The Other Side Academy, a therapeutic community for those with a history of criminal behavior and addiction, describes it as 200% accountability. The ultimate responsibility of the leader is to help your team succeed. If the team is not succeeding, if the people in your care are not growing and driving results, it is your job to help them succeed. If your team is not succeeding, ultimately, it is your responsibility. 

This is where Pivotal Conversations come in handy. Pivotal Conversations are the tool we use when results are not being met. Pivotal Conversations are the tool to help struggling individuals find success. As leaders, it is our responsibility to be having these conversations when things are going wrong to course correct before things go off the rails. Many of us think that we are being nice when we don’t mention that a person is not pulling their weight or if they are consistently coming in lower than the bar. But in reality, all we are doing is setting them up for a greater failure down the road. I’ve seen employees be fired by a “big boss” because their immediate supervisor would not speak up about their shortcomings because they wanted to be nice. All that supervisor did was set them up for failure. I’ve also seen supervisors intervene early and help struggling people grow and succeed, adapting their style to match what that individual needed. Those individuals shocked all of us by completely eclipsing our expectations and displaying their true potential. By choosing Extreme Ownership, by choosing 200% accountability, we are truly being caring because we are intervening before the problem gets too big and we are helping them succeed. If you want to be a leader, you have great power. But just like in Spiderman, you also have a great responsibility, to help your team succeed. Choose Extreme Ownership, Choose 200% accountability, and watch your team soar!