Managing Tone & emotions in Tough Conversations
One thing that I struggle the most with in Pivotal Conversations and have seen many others struggle as well is in managing our tone and emotions during the conversation. And when we lose control of our tone or our emotions go haywire, it can sabotage the entire conversation.
Typically how we think about the connection between emotions and our behavior is something like this. You did something, so I felt a certain way about it, so I acted in a certain way. If you’re a parent it might look like this: your child did not take out the trash for the second week in a row, so you were frustrated, so you spoke with a harsh tone that reduced your child to tears. You may have even meant to start out with a calm tone but because you were frustrated, your words came out as frustrated regardless.
The trick to mastering your emotions comes from psychology. Because there is actually a crucial step between someone doing something and you feeling a certain way about it, and that is the stories that we tell ourselves. It is the stories that we tell ourselves about events that shape our emotions, and it is why we sometimes handle big problems calmly while blowing up about seemingly minor issues. Let’s go back to our trash example, but consider a few stories that could shape our emotions very differently.
What if your child does not take out the trash for the second week in a row and the story you tell yourself is that they are lazy and have been playing video games too much lately. Then it’s very justifiable in your mind to be frustrated. But what if we tell a different story? What if you remember that your child has a lot of homework and has been working feverishly to get it all done? Suddenly, your emotions may be more empathetic towards them. You may even take out the trash for them or your talk may be more about managing multiple tasks rather than just about not taking out the trash. So depending on the story we tell ourselves, our emotions and behaviors may change significantly.
During Pivotal Conversations, it is important to constantly be monitoring the stories that you are telling yourself. By keeping an open mind and avoiding false narratives that may poison you against the other person, you can guard your tone and emotions from being influenced by false narratives. The last thing we want to do is to believe a false story and act badly, only to later find out the truth and know we acted badly without reason. So to manage your tone and emotions, carefully manage the stories you are telling yourself and find the truth, and your tone and emotions will follow.
